Breakup Shakeup

My mom says I have to choose between Jared and my family.

I feel so much pain. He & I just worked things out. I’m 22, why can’t I live the way I want to?

Wow. I am hurt. I wish he wanted me & only me. Why does it have to be like this. Please tell me what to say.

What do I say?! Please help. I feel him pulling me back in. I need help. Someone please give me advice as to what to say.

Please.

I wish I could talk to him this morning. Just like we normally would. He’d call either on his way to work or after he got his job assignment and was driving the truck to his location.

Today is the first day he is getting his own work truck. I’m a bit jealous. How come I’m not there when he is being successful? Why did I have to go through all the incredibly rough times?

I miss his voice. The smell of his cologne. I miss being thought of. Many other girls got to smell his cologne and hear his voice. But to me, he always said I was his.

I thought he loved me. And what do I so if he calls? This is all so new. My wounds are fresh and still bleeding. Jesus Christ I am suffering and I don’t fucking deserve this.

Thank you for the loads of supportive and loving messages. It truly means the world. I am a mix between struggle and triumph- hard to leave my lover & best friend, but seeing that I deserve the world and he is incapable of giving me a single part of that.

Please, please, please continue to support me. I am going to need it more than ever.

He doesn’t understand. He ended things. What am I supposed to do? Say “hey baby” when he says the same thing to other women? No.

And his rude “k”? He is going to get floored when he realizes what he lost.

Ass.

For some fucked up reason, it made me feel a little better.

After we got off work Friday, I headed up to his house. I called when I was pulling up, we went inside for a moment, then headed off to his bowling league. On the way, we stopped at the movie theater so he could buy us James Bond tickets for later that night. Walking into the theater, he was holding my hand, touching my back- the usual loving things that he normally does.

At the bowling alley things were okay. Until he started texting the girls he was having sex with on the side. I didn’t say anything there because I didn’t want to embarass him or cause a scene. He noticed my mood change. You know, when he bowls, he rarely texts me anymore, but he was texting multiple other girls each time he bowls now. I guess I’m just not that interesting anymore.

At the alley, he asked what was wrong and if he had to do with him. I said it doesn’t matter & that I wasn’t going to bring it up because nothing will change. He gently rubbed my back and kissed me. I will never have the chance to feel that love from him again.

Then, when we got in his car, he asked what was wrong. I told him I’d appreciate it if he didn’t text the girls he was fucking when he was with me- and they text constantly. If it is “strictly sex” with them, then why was he texting them so much? Then, I looked down and saw an empty condom rapper in the cup holder and mentioned it.

He said, “My sex life is none of your fucking business. God will you stop fucking bitching all the time. You aren’t my girlfriend so stop fucking acting like it”

Then I was trying to talk but he kept screaming, as we usually do when we argue.  He immediately starts yelling and screaming over the smallest things.

Then he said, “You know what, I’ll fix it. We aren’t dating anymore. I’m done with you. It tried to make it work and you kept promising that you’d stop whining and bitching, but obviously thats your personality. I have to accept that, so I can’t date you. We are no longer dating.”

“Jared, no. Please no.”

“No, Carmen. You don’t get to have a say because this is about my happiness. I don’t want to date anyone and that includes you.”

-I thought we had such a special connection

“I feel like thats fading.”

He would no longer talk and told me to just shut the fuck up. THEN I had to sit through the James Bond movie for 2 and a half hours while I was crying.

He said he didn’t want to be “obligated” to do the things you do when you date a person- like kiss them hello and goodbye, hug then, hold their hand (because that is so fucking stupid to him).

In the theater, I forced him to hold my hand. AND HE STILL WAS TEXTING THE GIRLS. STILL. 

Then I let go because I knew it was done. Toward the end, he gently grabbed my hand and my heart felt a drop.

On the way out, he walked so much faster than me and wouldn’t hold the door open like he always used to.

In the car on the way home, he said I want to still be friends, I don’t want to cut you out of my life. We can still go on dates every so often, but I see you too much and I am getting sick of you. There are other people I want to see and hang out with. 

Translation: There are other girls I want to fuck on our designated Friday “date night” and can’t because I’m with you.

He told me I was no longer allowed to come watch him bowl. Another translation: he had been meeting up with girls after bowling to fuck them.

I know all of this because I went through his cell phone.

About the condom- he said “at least I’m protecting myself! So it doesn’t fucking matter”

When we got back to his house around 3 or 3:30 am (mind you he never bought me dinner of any sort), I asked if I could stay

Reason 1) I had a hour drive home and had to wake up and be at work up 8:30.

Reason 2) I had a feeling this would be the last chance for sleeping with him, sex, hugs, and a kiss.

He said, “I guess so. If you want. I don’t want you driving home this late.”

I got into bed with him. We had sex. Really really really good sex. When we have sex I swear to God he makes me feel more loved than anything I’ve ever experienced.

Then as he was falling asleep, I started sobbing. I put my head on his chest for comfort, as you know the saying that the only person that can stop the hurting is the one that hurt you.

He told me to stop crying because he was tired and wanted to sleep.

What a slap in the face.

I called my friend Nicole, hysterically crying. She tried to calm me down. I was a mess. I only slept from 5:15 am to 6:15am. I woke up, showered, snooped through his phone.

He was calling one girl beautiful and that he really wanted to date her. They were going on a date in the near future. He would say “good morning beautiful” to her. He rarely does that to me anymore.

I should have known better.

I the morning after I snooped, I threw a t-shirt in his face and started yelling. I told him I am the best thing that has ever happened to him. I was there when he had nothing- and he always said that meant the world to him. I was always there. I was supportive and loving. I told him how much I loved him

He said he was sorry but he didn’t love me.

And he said that hurt him because I am such an amazing person and that I deserved someone who wants the same thing as me.

Who the fuck is he to tell me what I deserve!?

As I was getting ready to leave, I was getting angrier and angrier. I went over and gave him a hug and kiss goodbye. I held on to the hug. It lasted a while. I whispered in his ear, “Please don’t hurt me.”

That was my last hug from him.

That was my last kiss from him.

These are the things that get me.

But I have to remember he has been sleeping with a ton of girls. He is not focused, dedicated, or devoted to me.

I am taking back all of his birthday gifts. His birthday is Friday. I will not be celebrating with him. He does not deserve it.

“I want you to be the first person I see when I turn 26.”

Fuck you, Jared. Fuck you. But he said I was not allowed or invited to his celebration at the bar on Saturday night. He wants to drink heavily and probably fuck a ton of people. So I am not allowed to come.

He is also planning a 3 some.

I question myself- am I not satifsying sexually? He always says that he is and he absolutely loves having sex with me. He feels such an intense connection.

Then last night, he calls me in the middle of bowling. He says, “Carmen I really need someone to talk to. My bowling is so off tonight. I don’t know whats wrong with me.”

I was short and very upbeat to make him think I was fine.

I said, “Well I guess I’m not the bad luck charm you thought that makes your bowling bad.”

And then he said, “Maybe not.” in a pathetic way.

His voice was the one he has when he really is down. When he is hurting. He asked about work and I said it was so busy thanks for asking.

Then I said, “Okay, well I hope it gets better. I gotta go!” and we hung up.

He thinks he can devastate me and still call and act like everything is normal? If we aren’t dating, then why would you even call? Call one of the other girls.

Oh, I know why- because I’m always there to listen and support him. I am his number one motivator. He turns to me when things go wrong. And now, what will he do without me? Probably turn to the new girl he is so infatuated with. 

I am no longer relevant or worth chasing. And that is a fact- at least for him

You know, I really though he was the one. I thought that if I ride this out and let him get this out of his system he could come back and commit to me again. And yes, I am going to get tested soon.

What hurts now is the love I have in my heart. At the moment, I don’t feel it as much. But he really did care for me. His selfish attitude and harsh behavior has gotten in the way.

Jared (aka Luke) has lost the best things that has ever walked into his life. He will never find anyone as loyal, dedicated, accepting, kind, and loving as me. That is a fact.

I still will be his friend. I will talk to him if he reaches out to me. But I will not contact him. Its going to be difficult. He has been the main person I call and text for the past 8 months.

Good morning texts, good morning calls, middle of the day conversations, good night phone calls, fun dates.

Last weekend we had one of our best dates. He was so loving and romantic. I thought “This is the most perfect thing in the world”

The next day he fucked someone else.

You know, I paid for ALL of our dates since he lost his job. We had this thing worked out- when he came to my house, I paid for dates. When we went to his house, he paid. So his cheap ass opted to just cook. Then when he lost his job, I was paying for everything.

But he had money to go out and get trashed every saturday?! He even bought other girls drinks- I saw on his texts.

No matter how great we are together or how amazing I am, Jared does not see my worth and he does not value it.

I don’t know what to say when he asks about his plans with me for his birthday.

I am going to need support. When I left Patrick it was difficult for many reasons, but I did not love him.

With Jared (Luke), he took down all of my walls. I was completely myself with him. I let myself go and let myself love him. It was worth it for a while. I love him (I think that was love).

This hurts because I think I do love Jared. And he told me he doesn’t love me. I am hurting. Please support me. Please allow me to feel love from my followers and friends. I need it. 

I will never kiss him again.

I will never hug him again.

I will never be intimate with him again.

I will never smell his cologne again.

I will never feel him gently touch my hair or rub my back again.

I will never look into his eyes again.

I will never catch him staring at me again.

I will never feel that love from his again.

And this is what hurts the most.

I am going to continue seeing Luke as just friends. I do not have the mental, emotional, or physical capacity to cut him off completely. He needs me to back off because he feels like we are in a relationship an that’s not what he wants.

So I am going to start dating other people. His birthday is Friday. I love him. We talked this morning.

I snooped through the phone and saw that he was calling a other girl beautiful & told her he’d like to take her on a date. I confronted him and he said its just a hang out and sex. He has been upfront and honest about everything so far.

We had a talk last month and he no longer wanted to be exclusive. After a 2 hour talk and a lot of crying, I agreed. Now things have become further and further from what I want.

I know I am going to get a lot of “hate” and “you need to leave him” messages. But I will be backing off slightly. I will let him come to me. We need some space. He told me he needs to get this out if his system.